Opinion: The Man Heralded as Authentic Isn't

Redistricting has given Ventura County area what will be one of the tightest and most closely watched elections in California: State Sen. Fran Pavley, Democrat, vs. State Sen. Tony Strickland, Republican. Both clearly represent their party's views and both have their roots in Moorpark—Pavley, as a former teacher for decades at MUSD and Strickland, as a longtime resident. The gloves will be off.

Taking a look at the national picture, this weekend belonged to the Republicans as they squared off in Iowa at Drake University.

In the strange world of politics, Republican spinmeisters have turned the word “authentic” on its head and now use it to describe the sudden rightwing enthusiasm for Newt Gingrich.

They say he is “authentic,” accompanied by an explanation: Newt is authentic because—wait for it—he truly believes what he says he believes, unlike his political opponents, who are not “authentic.”

This is doublespeak at its finest: Newt as a political purist; Newt as a man of his word; Newt as a connection to the glory days of the 1990s. His presence takes us back to the good times of, not one but two, government shutdowns; back to his Contract On America; back to when he was thrown out of his job as Speaker of the House and out of Congress altogether due to a bit of book cooking and using our money as his money.

This is the same Newt whose entire campaign staff quit last fall because they couldn’t stand working for him another minute; the same Newt who is so authentic that his three colorful marriages and two authentic divorces led him to abandon his own religion to convert to Catholicism. This is the same Newt who stands by his recent statement that child laws were stupid, that poor children should work as janitors in their own schools so as to learn a work ethic and few pennies. This, because the only work they ever see done at home is always something illegal.

This weekend, Newt waded into the deep end of international relations and called Palestinians a false group.

Newt will likely be the next addition to the Republican trash heap of presidential candidates for 2012.

Actually, the entire Republican dog and pony show reminds me of Whack-A-Mole. As each candidate begins to pop his or her head out of the hole, WHACK, they get bonked by their own stupidity, recklessness or womanizing. They then disappear back into the dark hole from whence they came.

First, it was Michele Bachmann. Thrilled and authentically surprised that she won the first meaningless straw poll, Bachmann felt the confidence to speak out. In fact, she defiantly exclaimed that it would be just fine with her if the U.S. defaults on its obligations. Better to default than make the upper crust and their corporations pay a tax rate that does not inspire hearty laughter from those who pay authentic taxes. Bye-bye Bachmann.

Then came Rick Perry. Gosh, I miss the guy. How can you not love a Texan whose childhood hunting camp (still) has the word “Niggerhead” boldly painted on a rock? We all have senior moments. But  Perry first forgot what he stood for, then forgot, or perhaps never even knew, that 18 year olds have had the vote since 1972, and again had brain freeze this week when he could not for the life of him remember the name of one of the nine Supreme Court Justices. Seems voters are forgetting about Perry.

What can I say about Herman Cain that he hasn’t already said. Liars! Women are all liars! Herman finally grabbed his weirdly sinister hat and slithered into the sunset.

Mitt Romney has an actual political past to explain. But he can’t. Because he had his staff erase all traces of his occupancy of the Massachusetts governorship before leaving office. Mitt, the Clutch Cargo lookalike, has yet to say anything of substance. Republicans are getting tired of explaining that they don’t hate Romney because he is a Mormon, despite the fact they say it is a cult.

So who is left standing? Ron Paul, the new darling of Iowa students. This guy has been taking up space in Congress for more than three decades and few people still have any idea who he is. Jon Huntsman? Good man but he would make a better Democrat. Rick Santorum? Who is he?

This is the cream of the Republican crop heading into 2012.