Community Update

I am a parent of Five children; 3 girls and 2 boys.
They have some gaps between them, due to different marriages. I try my best to treat them all equally when I'm pleased with them and the times when I'm not. No child is perfect and neither are parents. Truth hurts!



I have spoken to many a parent concerning their children and their relationships. There are always some bumpy roads between kids no matter what their ages and a fair and decent parent tries to keep peace among them. This I am famous for, but at times I would prefer to use the old Roman way....throw them in a ring and last man standing........



Come on...not really....but can you honestly say your kids are in love with each other 24/7? No would be the honest answer.



When they were young and having a brawl over the last chicken leg or what's on TV, it was simple. Being a single mom for most of my kid's lives, I learned early on how to be the referee, counselor and mediator. I also learned how to be the enforcer and came close to Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in Terminator numerous times. Time out..no TV or privileges was common. And order soon was restored.



Then they got older! New ballgame ...New rules!



What does a parent do when grown siblings are not speaking. Or..when one says hurtful or damaging things to the other?



Do you stay out of it and expect them to iron out the differences? Do you try to be the mediator without taking sides ( even when it's clear whose to blame)?



Do you call Dr.Phil?



Well, I have tried all of the above ( PS..do you have Dr.Phil's number) It appears no matter what you try to do to keep the peace and have everyone holding hands singing Kumbaya...it can still be you in the middle and somebody blames you inevitably. Tough job...being a parent....especially single parent.



When I was married...my husband and I would sit with the kids and reason with them...they would try desperately to convince either Dad or Mom they were the victim and obviously the sibling was the demon child. We'd stick together most of the time and steadfastly stick to our decisions and our call of judgment. Then they got older and the script switched. Dad's not around and it's only mom to deal with. There is strength in numbers!



There's grandchildren involved and sometimes finances and often hurt feelings. Now don't get me wrong...we don't have any Hatfields vs the McCoys type issues, but any unrest between your offspring is unsettling. I always feel in the middle and only wish they were young again...come out of time out feeling their mistakes or after writing their heartfelt apology to each other....all love is restored.



In reality this isn't going to happen. I hear from many parents that they chose to stay out of it no matter what the issue. Others say they hold a family conference and take a vote as to the solution. Some actually write down on secret ballots as to whose the culprit and whose in need of an apology and a nice dinner.



I don't have the magic answer. I do use my background, education and experience as a counselor to steer them in the best direction that makes it as close to a win-win as possible. I listen...I advise only when asked and I make sure they all know they are still loved unconditionally by me. I still encourage dialogue between them to maintain open communication. I try to step back and let their hearts and heads come together for a working compromise.



And then I trust them...trust that they are fully capable adults with intelligence and love for each other that will lead them on the path to healing.



After that..a quick prayer and a warm glass of brandy and I'm sure all will be well again in the Land of Families.



**And if not....I really won't care... too much!